Dear ED.

Dear ED,

I am angry.
I am angry that you you took away my life, my happiness and my sparkle. I am angry that when I fell you rose, I am angry that when I was weak you were strong.

You turned me into someone I didn't know... All because I wasn't 'skinny.' You promised me amazing things you said I'd be happy, I'd be be perfect and I'd be loved.
You lied.
I wasn't happy, I was depressed, I wasn't perfect because I didn't know what perfect was, I wasn't loved because I couldn't love myself.

You were abusive. You told me I was worthless, fat, greedy, unloved, ugly.
You told me I'd be better off dead.
You made me starve myself for 3 months. You made me cold, lifeless, dizzy, pale, blue.
You made me die while I was still living.

You wouldn't stop. You wouldn't stop when I was hysterical in my room at 3 am with a blade to my arm, you just encouraged me.
You wouldn't stop when I overdosed and my heart was failing in hospital, you laughed.
You wouldn't stop when I was screaming at my mom for making me fat, you told me what to say.
You wouldn't stop when I had my head in the toilet, you gave me tips on how to vomit.
You wouldn't stop when I when I gave up, you smiled.
You. Wouldn't. Stop.

This letter, this is me stopping..

I'm going to stop listening to you.
I'm going to stop believing you.
I'm going to stop relying on you for comfort.
I'm going to stop loving you.

I don't want to be the girl that checks her bones to make sure they're sticking out, I don't want to be the girl that counts calories, I don't want to be the girl that hides behind baggy clothes, I don't want to be the girl with the eating disorder.

So fuck you. Fuck you for making me believe I couldn't have it all. Fuck you for making me feel worthless. Fuck you for taking pride on my damaged mind. Fuck you for ruining me. FUCK YOU.

I do not yet believe I am beautiful, but when the day comes where I can stand in front of a mirror and take pride in my appearance, my body and my heart... You will be the first to know, and I am going to laugh at you like you laughed at me.. because I survived.

No longer yours,
Lottie Hartley.

Anorexia update!

Hey guys, so I have some pretty big news... I've been discharged! I'm officially anorexia free.
I've come to terms with the fact that once you have anorexia you have it for life, I still hear the voices and I know I will for the rest of my life. I'm still not happy with my weight but I would NEVER starve myself to be skinny.

After being discharged for about 3 weeks, I did have a relapse and OD'd on pain killers. The voices were more aggressive than they usually are and they were screaming things like 'you're fat' 'kill yourself' 'you don't deserve to be here' after having them controlled for so long it was overwhelming and I was already vulnerable due to being in a bad mood that day.
I've been put on 30 mg of anti-depressants instead of 20 mg and I'm still on anti-psychotics. I feel like the anorexia isn't the main thing that's bothering me anymore, it's the depression. I know I can get through it but at the time it's so mind consuming and you think you're never going to get through it. I have been admitted to the psychiatric ward at my local hospital and have a meeting with them at the end of this month. I don't want to go, but I know it's what I need to get better.

I have an amazing group of friends that help me out and I couldn't be happier with them! They're truly amazing.
School's not going so bad, I'm having second thoughts about what I want to do career wise and fancy something make-up/fashion related...
I'm going through lots of stress at the moment with exams/ school and all of that stuff, so I'm sorry for the lack of posts but I have some neat stuff coming your way!

That's pretty much it, hope you're all okay.

Lottie xxx

Anorexia update.

Hey guys. This post might be quite long and all over the place but I haven't done an update yet so, here we go!

Since my 'Anorexia story' blog I've had a few ups and downs.

Around New Years I wasn't to sure if I even wanted to get better. I missed feeling light and skinny, I just didn't want to be scared any more. I think that's what has made recovery easier for me, is that I was so scared and I didn't want to be scared any more. I have- and still do have- days where I think I'm not going eat my dinner or I might try throwing up again. I think I might always have them thoughts, unfortunately.

A couple of weeks after writing that post I had 3 lots of self-harming and my biggest low. I was very vulnerable at night so that's when the anorexia voices would come out and play, one night it got to much and I was up till 1 am self harming. I did go in to my parents room afterwards screaming about being scared and fat, thinking that my parents weren't trying to make me healthy they where making me fat. They cuts I made have now turned in to scars, it's sad really because one night has effected my whole life now. I still managed to eat all my food and eat everything given to me but I was extremely depressed, therefore I had to go to the hospital and see my therapist and psychologist as soon as possible. My therapist did say that if it wasn't for my parents being so supportive and willing I'd be in hospital, I was on the edge of mad. 

Since then I have been put on 'Olanzapine' which is an anti-psychotic drug that helps me sleep at night and makes it easier push the anorexic voice away. 

Since then I have been moves on to phase 2 of my treatment: I am eating morning tea, lunch and after noon tea on my own now and no high calories! My therapist was very impressed with how quickly I have been moving forward, the only thing getting me down now is how I see my self and my body. I know now that I would never starve myself to get skinny, but I want to be skinny. I want to be healthy. So I have just finished body image work with a physio, this consisted of standing in front of a mirror and describing yourself as if to a blind man, however you can not use bad words like 'Fat', 'Chubby' and 'Ugly' the point of this exercise it to see your self as a whole, not little bits of you that you don't like. The physio has also given me 3 exercises, to stop wearing jerseys and get my arms out as they're something I'm self conscious about, to stop looking at people and wishing I was skinny like them but instead guess their age or something to distract myself from and finally join a club or a gym with friends to become healthy and fit.

I'm still going through recovery and everyday is a step forward to being myself again; however the sparkle has apparently returned!
I'm at a healthy 69.9kg. Getting help was the best thing that could have happened, right now I have all the things that anorexia promised me, sure I might not be skinny but I'm healthy and happy.

 Lowest weight: 36kg (I did not take photos)

 Weight now: 69.9kg

My struggles with anorexia nervosa

1. anorexia
   ˌanəˈrɛksɪə/

   noun

• lack or loss of appetite for food (as a medical condition).
• an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

I've always been the biggest of my friends, as they grew taller and slimmer, I stayed the same height and put on weight... It never really bothered me, I was never happy with my weight, but didn't have a bad body image.

I don't know why I became ill. I just remember being stressed all the time. Little things would turn in to big things. So, I feel back on my anorexia- it was almost a support system- it was there when I thought no one else was. 

There are a few things I could blame: 

• Exams
• Friends
• School
• Work
• Home life 

But they never seem like good enough reasons? I guess everything just built up and it began to feel like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and my way of coping was to stop eating.

I began to lack energy and focus, therefore, I was dropping grades at school and started to lack motivation to catch up. I'd never been amazing at school, but I'd never been bad either- I hardly ever failed and always tried my hardest.

Around the same time- I'd fallen out with my best friend, she was practically my sister and she began to spread rumors around school that people believed... so I bunked 1 day of school and went to the local mall with 2 of my closest (now best) friends. Long story short, we got caught- I guess that's what you get when there's 5 unexplained absences. 

That's when school made me go see the councilor, they new it wasn't like me to do something like this and could see that my grades were dropping, so there must be some sort of explanation and so I ranted to the school councilor for 2 hours, about everything; even my eating and that I was eating under 300 calories a day.

I had told him how, I wouldn't have breakfast and I'd throw out my lunch, then I'd eat a small portion of dinner- literally not enough to feed a small child. As soon as we'd finished with the session he rang my dad in a state of worry that I was going to make my self ill, little did he know it was already too late.

My parents had already noticed a difference in my attitude and the way I looked, so it wasn't a surprise for them when I was diagnosed with anemia at my local doctors 2 days after the council session. 

From then on everything becomes a blur. I remember feeling more and more miserable with myself and began to self harm and so I was referred to my local hospital by my GP and was seen 3 weeks later.

It was there that I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and anxiety. 

Since then I've been put on something called the 'Maudsley approach'
Maudsley is basically a a family based treatment that consists of 3 steps.
Step 1: Weight gain- parents taking control.
Step 2: Regaining control- teen gaining back control.
Step 3: Dealing with the 'leftovers'- coping with anxiety and body image.
I'm currently working my way through step 1. I am having 3 meals and 3 snacks each day, with as many calories in each meal as possible.

I'm slowly becoming more like the Lottie my parents knew last year, I know that this won't last forever and sometimes is so hard to think positively when you're tied up in negative thoughts, but getting help was the best thing my parents could have done for me and if it wasn't for them, I would be in hospital right now fighting for my life.
I still have days where I think they're just doing this to 'make me fat' and I still have days where I'm so miserable and full of self hatred, but that's all a part of recovery and it's not easy.

I'm on my way to a healthy weight and a healthy life. In a way I wouldn't take back my anorexia, although it's my worst enemy,  it's going to teach me to love myself and not take anything for granted in the future.

I hope that sharing my my story will help some of you.
I'll try stay up to date, with how I'm going through recovery and if you have any questions at all feel free to drop them in the comments!
Thank you
xxx

 

Before anorexia 70 kg (November 2012)

Recovery 64 kg (January 2014)