Dear ED.

Dear ED,

I am angry.
I am angry that you you took away my life, my happiness and my sparkle. I am angry that when I fell you rose, I am angry that when I was weak you were strong.

You turned me into someone I didn't know... All because I wasn't 'skinny.' You promised me amazing things you said I'd be happy, I'd be be perfect and I'd be loved.
You lied.
I wasn't happy, I was depressed, I wasn't perfect because I didn't know what perfect was, I wasn't loved because I couldn't love myself.

You were abusive. You told me I was worthless, fat, greedy, unloved, ugly.
You told me I'd be better off dead.
You made me starve myself for 3 months. You made me cold, lifeless, dizzy, pale, blue.
You made me die while I was still living.

You wouldn't stop. You wouldn't stop when I was hysterical in my room at 3 am with a blade to my arm, you just encouraged me.
You wouldn't stop when I overdosed and my heart was failing in hospital, you laughed.
You wouldn't stop when I was screaming at my mom for making me fat, you told me what to say.
You wouldn't stop when I had my head in the toilet, you gave me tips on how to vomit.
You wouldn't stop when I when I gave up, you smiled.
You. Wouldn't. Stop.

This letter, this is me stopping..

I'm going to stop listening to you.
I'm going to stop believing you.
I'm going to stop relying on you for comfort.
I'm going to stop loving you.

I don't want to be the girl that checks her bones to make sure they're sticking out, I don't want to be the girl that counts calories, I don't want to be the girl that hides behind baggy clothes, I don't want to be the girl with the eating disorder.

So fuck you. Fuck you for making me believe I couldn't have it all. Fuck you for making me feel worthless. Fuck you for taking pride on my damaged mind. Fuck you for ruining me. FUCK YOU.

I do not yet believe I am beautiful, but when the day comes where I can stand in front of a mirror and take pride in my appearance, my body and my heart... You will be the first to know, and I am going to laugh at you like you laughed at me.. because I survived.

No longer yours,
Lottie Hartley.

9 THINGS.

I'm 18, and 19 in 28 days...

I can honestly say I've been through my fair share of ups and downs, and can proudly say I've over come most things and also learned a lot through the stages of my difficult times.

In the 18 years I've existed, I've moved to the other side of the world, handled and recovered from anorexia, depression and anxiety, and I've also fallen pregnant. The one thing I'm most proud of though... is learning to live with the tortured mind I am going to have for the rest of my life.
It's not been easy, hell, saying it has been hard would be an understatement but I've learned so much... and why would I keep it to myself when I know there's people out there struggling too?

So here's what I've learned in 18 years...

1. You're Not Stuck.
   There is always a way out, sometimes it's not the path you would choose to take, but if it gets you somewhere take it. Do not obsess yourself with the idea that 'stuck' is the new you.
   
2. Always Ask For Help, Even When You're Not Sure Why You Need It.
   When I started to become sick, I didn't ask for help and thought I was fine. It wasn't until I experienced self-harm for the first time, that I realized I couldn't do 'it' on my own, even though I didn't know what 'it' was.
   
3. Talk. 
   It's not easy, and you don't have to say much, but it helps.
   
4. Do Not Say Sorry For Something You Have No Control Over. 
   Do NOT say sorry for having a mental illness, do NOT say sorry when you are hurting, do NOT say sorry for being sick and please, do NOT say sorry for asking for help.
   
5. You're Your Own Worst Enemy, But Also Your Greatest Weapon.
   This is something I tell my self continuously. I have control over my thoughts, and how I feel but sometimes you don't realize how much your mind is standing in your own way. Your brain can play nasty tricks on you, and I'm speaking from experience, but your mind is also your greatest weapon. Fight it.
   
6. You Deserve To Be Happy. 
   This doesn't need an explanation.
   
7. Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk.
   You'll soon realize that whatever is stressing you out or making you upset now, will not matter in 1 month.
   
8. You Are Not Your Mental Illness.You have a mental illness, but you are not living through your mental illness. Your illness does not define you as a person and please, do not live your life like it does.
   
9. For Fuck Sake, Love Yourself. 
   Please.