Saturday, 15 March 2014

Anorexia update.

Hey guys. This post might be quite long and all over the place but I haven't done an update yet so, here we go!

Since my 'Anorexia story' blog I've had a few ups and downs.

Around New Years I wasn't to sure if I even wanted to get better. I missed feeling light and skinny, I just didn't want to be scared any more. I think that's what has made recovery easier for me, is that I was so scared and I didn't want to be scared any more. I have- and still do have- days where I think I'm not going eat my dinner or I might try throwing up again. I think I might always have them thoughts, unfortunately.

A couple of weeks after writing that post I had 3 lots of self-harming and my biggest low. I was very vulnerable at night so that's when the anorexia voices would come out and play, one night it got to much and I was up till 1 am self harming. I did go in to my parents room afterwards screaming about being scared and fat, thinking that my parents weren't trying to make me healthy they where making me fat. They cuts I made have now turned in to scars, it's sad really because one night has effected my whole life now. I still managed to eat all my food and eat everything given to me but I was extremely depressed, therefore I had to go to the hospital and see my therapist and psychologist as soon as possible. My therapist did say that if it wasn't for my parents being so supportive and willing I'd be in hospital, I was on the edge of mad. 
Since then I have been put on 'Olanzapine' which is an anti-psychotic drug that helps me sleep at night and makes it easier push the anorexic voice away. 

Since then I have been moves on to phase 2 of my treatment: I am eating morning tea, lunch and after noon tea on my own now and no high calories! My therapist was very impressed with how quickly I have been moving forward, the only thing getting me down now is how I see my self and my body. I know now that I would never starve myself to get skinny, but I want to be skinny. I want to be healthy. So I have just finished body image work with a physio, this consisted of standing in front of a mirror and describing yourself as if to a blind man, however you can not use bad words like 'Fat', 'Chubby' and 'Ugly' the point of this exercise it to see your self as a whole, not little bits of you that you don't like. The physio has also given me 3 exercises, to stop wearing jerseys and get my arms out as they're something I'm self conscious about, to stop looking at people and wishing I was skinny like them but instead guess their age or something to distract myself from and finally join a club or a gym with friends to become healthy and fit.

I'm still going through recovery and everyday is a step forward to being myself again; however the sparkle has apparently returned!
I'm at a healthy 69.9kg. Getting help was the best thing that could have happened, right now I have all the things that anorexia promised me, sure I might not be skinny but I'm healthy and happy.

 Lowest weight: 36kg (I did not take photos)

 Weight now: 69.9kg